A Little Advice
When I was working at the firehouse, my friend, Paul, was called into work. Knowing I had done some communication and relationship work, Paul took me aside and said, “Bob, my marriage is in big trouble.”
As I have mentioned before, the divorce rate of firefighters is extremely high. I asked Paul to tell me more. He told me that six months earlier he and his wife had what I call “the talk.” The talk can come whenever situations build up and aren’t resolved. It usually blindsides one of the partners.
I listened as Paul told me what was going on at home. Paul’s wife, Tara, told him he wasn’t part of her life. Besides working his firefighter shifts, Paul was always gone with the guys, or coaching and/or competing in sports. She didn’t think he loved her anymore, and she was losing her love for him, too.
Like most guys, firefighters get many of their needs met at work. We have certainty, uncertainty, variety, significance, discipline, comfort, connection, growth and contribution. Because we go home with our tank full, we aren’t always motivated to provide the same vital necessities to our partners.
Paul attempted to make changes. But he made the mistake of not asking Tara what changes she wanted. IF A BELL GOES OFF AT ANY TIME – IT IS NOW! DING! DING! DING! Let me repeat – Paul did not ask his wife what things she wanted him to change. Here is the moral of the story – if the changes aren’t what the other person needs, it doesn’t make any difference what a person does.
Six months later, Paul’s wife felt the same way. Tara threatened to leave with their four-year-old son. She stated that because of what had already happened, counseling was not an option.
I sent Paul home with four chapters from a relationship book I wrote. As Tara read the first chapter, she said, “I’m right here.” Reading the other chapters, she said, “Did he write this about you? Because this is exactly what you’ve been doing.”
They went for a walk and discussed the chapters. They talked several times during the next three days. Then, Tara caught some hope. Maybe with these new tools, they could work it out. Paul took the time to ask Tara about the changes she needed. He opened what I call a Love Bank Account and started making deposits that his wife wanted.
Three weeks later she felt it was real; Paul wasn’t just putting out spot fires, as before. Tara said, “I think I still love you.” Three months later they went away to celebrate their anniversary. I saw Paul a month later and he said, “It’s never been better.” This firefighter became a hero in his own home by saving his marriage. Relationships work! And, Paul and Tara were willing to put in the time and effort. Start paying attention to what was important to the most important people in your world. For many of us, it really can be that simple to keep the home fires burning.
Fire Captain Bob
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